you returned to what you were looking for

thought i'd try to say

2006-12-27T09:14:05Z

long pulls from brown bottles in the shower the same ones mastered from paper bags in muscle cars in dark alleys. no one knows what i need right now except for a handful-- that tug that glance that pop of mine (if you've heard it you know). instead, another winter's night. i can't comprehend i can only watch the ink run. i can only wish for highway lights and static stations... a hand to hold to keep my eyes open. stains and clouds (and coulds) and things i can't explain-- even if i wanted to.

undone.

2006-02-07T21:13:59Z

if i could only use one word to describe my life lately, it would probably be 'methodical.' or maybe 'lazy.' maybe not lazy-- more like 'relaxed.' 'comfortable' like a broken-in pair of pants or thin t-shirt that fits around your arms just so. comfortable like just enough wine and a bath before bed and not having to set an alarm for the morning. comfortable like grey skies. two eggs, fried, in a perfect circle on a white plate. freshly ground pepper. the girl is baking and my fingers are looped through the handle on a coffee mug, familiar. a new coffee pot, which drives me to drink more coffee than i have been lately. getting used to library fees again. bringing the bicycle in before bed and leaning it by the front door so it's ready to go at four-thirty. every morning the sun comes up over the bay bridge, and every morning i get to listen to the water and foghorns as i set up the tables and chairs outside. i view work less and less as work, and more like a party i'm hosting everyday... breathing with ease by eight AM because oh-good-everyone's-having-a-good-time. waking up to eavesdropped phonecalls from the denver airport-- it's going to be a good weekend, as it turns out. it was good to see the boys again the other night. my own little piece of home, all in one place. condoms as consolation prizes tossed to me from behind a drumkit, many thanks and thinks and a short and sweet reunion and oh-what-are-you-drinking-let-me-get-you-another. hearing them play does something to me. for once, i'm glad to see the right combination of people playing together instead of being jealous of them. the jealousy's still there, but it doesn't blind me (bind me) to everything else like it has in the past. i've had that, and i'll have it again. there are still plenty of things up my sleeves to get me by.

hey_goodbye @ 2006-01-26T15:57:00

2006-01-26T23:57:56Z

(you forgot what you were going to say i was going to stay it anyway) everything is just a play on words. and terms. i don't write to remember. i write to forget. but i can't remember a time i've been as lucid as i want to be. i. don't. breathe. for. you. the moments build up inside of me, waiting to explode. waiting for something. waiting to hey-- don't i know you? from someplace? i wish i could meet your mother and tell her you're a work of art. and thank her. we'd sip tea in the afternoon and someplace your ears would be ringing. i'd be smiling. i'd exhibit my best table manners, but really be wishing for i know what the city smells like before everyone wakes up. and it's a beautiful thing. and it's mine. i wake up to cold calves and faces. the days seem to move backward / sunrise versus everything else.